Most of us are likely to have said the following sentences to someone we were talking to:
“Why don’t you understand me?”, “Put yourself in my shoes”.
In this way, we are actually trying to tell the other person about our state of mind at that moment, and that there is a build-up or a reason behind our behaviour or reaction at that time. We expect them to listen to us and to understand us simply, from a different perspective. What we really expect is to be listened to, understood and acknowledged.
Communication is like a double-edged knife. When the right words and expressions are combined with the right body language and tone of voice, you convey your message to the other party more easily, because you are listened to and you keep the other person’s perception open. When the opposite happens, that is, when you communicate with the wrong words or the wrong behaviour or tone of voice, the other person closes off and does not listen to you. You become someone who is not understood and seen as difficult. That is why, in order to be understood and listened to, we need to know how to use the right expressions and body language well.
It is important to listen to people and try to understand them before reacting. You may be reacting or acting with prejudice based on a behaviour you see at that moment or an outcome that has emerged. If you have no idea what the other person went through on the way to that outcome, what difficulties they faced or what their competence is, we should first know how to listen. If we do not listen or analyse, the same problems are likely to recur.
While listening, it is important to empathise with the other person. Empathy is a person’s accurate understanding of another person’s feelings and thoughts by putting themselves in that person’s place.
What are the main behaviours to adopt when empathising?
Listening: First, we should listen to the other person without prejudice, clearly and without interrupting. We should allow them to express themselves so that we can understand their feelings. By asking questions, we should also get them to explain the points that remain unclear. While doing this, we should stay away from our own feelings, thoughts and prejudices.
Making an effort to understand them: While listening, we should try to understand what they have experienced, the feelings and thoughts those experiences created in them, and their own analysis. The other person may see the subject or event completely differently from us. What matters is understanding their point of view.
Expressing that we understand: We should show sensitivity to their feelings by expressing that we understand them and that we might feel similarly if we were in their place. In this way, you can create an environment in which they will listen to you, build a solution together with you and review the next steps.
Another important aspect of empathy is that it develops tolerance and acceptance. Showing empathy helps people respect different points of view and be open to other people’s ideas. It improves our listening skills. It contributes to our ability to act together, produce solutions in line with expectations and develop our behaviour more constructively.
To succeed in empathising, it is necessary to know and manage well the two different parts of empathy, which is like an iceberg. When empathising, we are faced with an iceberg.
Below the waterline of the iceberg are the feelings and experiences in the other person that we cannot see at that moment. These unseen elements are in fact the main factors that make that person behave differently. These factors may include past experiences and the prejudice, stress or build-up they created; traumas, losses or painful events; regrets, failures and loss of self-confidence; efforts made and disappointments; experiencing emotions intensely; and a sensitive, fragile nature.
Above the iceberg are the things we see and observe. What we see may include outward appearance; body language and expression; manner of speaking; behaviour and attitude; and way of communicating.
We evaluate the people we communicate with based on what we see above the iceberg. In fact, we often judge them harshly. Whether in private or business life, if the people we communicate with behave differently from usual, overreact or respond in a way beyond what we expect, closing ourselves off to them or reacting badly based only on what we see may be the path we choose most often. Yet, because of what we cannot see, that person may actually be expecting to be understood, or expecting us to empathise and help or even support them. Instead of reacting quickly and sharply or closing ourselves off, our first action should be to empathise and, by being understanding and asking questions, try to learn the factors below the iceberg and bring to light what we cannot see. When we listen to them and try to understand them, we arrive at the behaviour that will help them.
Managers with a strong sense of empathy also have strong listening and caring skills, so it is inevitable that they are in a trusted, solution-oriented position for both their employees and their customers.
Author
Levent Taşkın
Pump Valve and Systems MagazinePompa Vana · September-October 2026Read the latest issue free →
